Wanted Immediately : GOP Presidential Candidate

The Republican Party is looking for a good candidate to face President Barak Obama in the 2012 presidential election.

Characteristics desired:

1. Long-term GOP adherent with no political baggage, such as having served under Obama.

2. Heterosexual, married, 2 to 3 children, no history of extra-marital affairs, even under extreme workplace pressure.

3. Age between 45 and 65, but older would be considered if he looks and sounds like Ronald Reagan.

4. Religious preferences flexible, but should lean heavily toward Judeo-Christian values.

5. Political experience a plus, but not required.

6. Management experience essential, but at higher than community level.

7. No prior dabbling in universal public health care will be tolerated.

8. Understanding of the US Constitution vital, but lawyers would need to promise that they will not make personal interpretations according to their own political world-view, rather leaving that to the Supreme Court, as the Constitution clearly insists upon.

9. Acceptance of the Constitution’s balance of power, so that working with the Congress and Courts will be collegial and not confrontational.

10. Decision-making capability crucial, and anyone with aversion to actually making decisions will not be considered.

11. Love of sports is fine, but choosing March Madness brackets while Libya burns is not acceptable.

12. Ability to pronounce and spell name of National Republican Committee Chairman highly desirable.

13. Must agree to find a suitable political role for Sarah Palin, and control her output until the election.

14. Should prefer tea to coffee.

15. US birth certificate to be available at all times for inspection.

All interested parties should please submit their resume.

Only finalists will be notified, and will be expected to have warm clothes for door-to-door campaigning in Iowa in January 2012.